Settling In

My Crohn’s diagnosis is fairly new, just a couple of months so far even though I’ve had symptoms for over a year. Some of the symptoms have gotten worse, some have gotten better, some are new. So I’m still learning how the disease is going to manifest for me. I don’t know yet if I’ll be one of those people who goes into remission or one whose condition doesn’t respond to medication. I don’t know if my symptoms will get worse or go away or come and go. I don’t know yet if the adjustments I’m making now to my diet and lifestyle are temporary or lifelong. I don’t know what my patterns are yet. But I’m learning! Everyday I feel like I learn more about what my body needs and what it doesn’t need, I learn more about what feels good and how to maximize those feelings. I’m learning how to really, deeply care for my body in a way that just never occurred to me before. I’m becoming gentler and more forgiving of myself. Mainly because even though the disease is unpredictable and destructive, I kind of understand now that my body’s natural inclination is toward wellness. Even the destructive inflammation is my body’s (overzealous) attempt to be well. And knowing that helps me be a little calmer about the whole thing.

I didn’t know anything about my body’s drive toward healing until last year when I was run over by a motorcycle, suffered multiple fractures and got to watch them heal. In fact I resented all kinds of thing about my body, always wanted to change my weight or my height or the thickness of my legs, and even while I watched my bones heal, I still thought that the process was something I could and had to control. In my mind I couldn’t figure out how to make the bones fuse, make the swelling to down. I couldn’t even conceive of what a normal body would feel like again or how I could make it happen but I tried! I actively and enthusiastically iced and elevated and flexed and did everything I could to help the process along. And in the end I realized that while that stuff may have helped, my body had it under control the whole time. It knew which cells to send where, what to add and take away, and in its own time it righted itself. Knowing that gives me tremendous faith that it’ll work this out too, as long as I do my part and be gentle and keep faith.

One of the things that’s helping me adjust and settle in is meditation. I practice mindfulness daily, really just by quieting down and experiencing the present moment. Meditation has made a tremendous difference for me already!  I’m learning to spend more time in the spaces between the pain, and that makes the spaces feel bigger and the pain smaller. I’m actually less scared of the future now than I was before I got sick in the first place. And I try to approach my symptoms with a sense of curiosity rather than dread. This is all helping it feel less cataclysmic, and more manageable.