New Year, Same Me

I started the year with an 8am barre fitness class at my new gym, which is also my new love. No hangovers. No excuses. I got up at the crack truve picof dawn on New Year’s Day, and I went and tried a new class, and it kicked my everlovin ass! Thank god for Sombra! (Serioulsy, they should douse you in this stuff on your way out of the studio.

Why did I sacrifice a morning of sleeping in to get sweaty and sore? Because I could. See, over the last few years my body has been to hell and back (several times). I’ve suffered bouts of all out immobility thanks to first a broken leg, then a temporarily crippling flare of Crohn’s disease and related arthritis. As 2014 came to a close, a lot of my health problems eased closer to remission, and now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, I’ve been able to increase my physical activity. So I’ve been sort of haphazardly getting out and trying things here and there – a spin class after work, a Sunday jog by the Lake (using the term “jog” loosely here), walking to work instead of riding the bus. That sort of thing. And as my activity becomes more frequent, I keep asking myself why I exercise. Is it to lose weight? And the answer, for me anyway, is: not really.

Here’s where I’m at with my body: I fucking love it to death. This is a body that survived being run over by a motorcycle! This is the body that rebuilt itself, from muscle loss, bone fractures, torn ligaments, monstrous autoimmune attacks – and it still gets me everywhere I need to be. And it feels good! It’s me! Sure, my immune system is a little bit ratchet, but that makes it even more apparent how strong I am, how robust my organs are to stand up to that kind of constant assault.  And I feel compelled to celebrate my strength by moving more, in new and challenging ways that feel good.

Because I’ve felt what it’s like to not be able to move. And there’s a chance I’ll be in that situation again at some point, so I want to enjoy my mobility now, while I still can, and because I know that moving my joints now is the best way to keep them moving for the long haul.

So, I’m not looking to change myself, although I’m sure my shape will change a bit along the way. I’m not looking for a new me, not at all, I’m looking to experience more of who I already am. And that’s a much stronger motivator than “having to go work out” – it infuses my decision to get out there with curiosity and excitement rather than dread and stress.

I got lucky that just yesterday I found a gym that’s in line with my goals and attitude about exercise. After years of the uncomfortable sweaty ham-scented grind of a mega-gym chain, I decided to check out a new place in my neighborhood. It’s clean, and beautiful and warm and welcoming and personal. The classes are exciting and challenging and the instructors are encouraging and friendly. And I get excited to go there. So even though the membership is significantly more expensive, I’ve decided to join up, because I’d rather pay more for something I’ll actually use, than less for something I’ll avoid.

So that’s the last piece of my exercise resolution. Here it is in full: 1. Take time every day to think about why movement is important to me. 2. Move in ways that feel good. 3. Move in ways that feel like accomplishments. 4. Spend active time in places I actually enjoy being.

That’s it. No “lose 20 lbs.,” no “run a marathon,” no “fit into my skinny jeans.” Just me experiencing my body in motion.

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Crohn’s “Cured” by Pot?

Crohn’s “Cured” by Pot?

This article claims that 5 of 11 test subjects were cured of intractable Crohn’s disease by smoking pot every day for 2 months. 

If I try this, will I have to change my name to The Dalai Lion? 😉

But seriously, I wonder if this was a large enough sample, and if there were other factors in these people’s recovery. It’s interesting though, to hear that people are actively trying to research alternative treatments for folks who don’t respond to the usual drugs. 

Also, did these people have to go to work and function or were they just sitting around smoking grass for 2 months? Big burning questions here.

I’m curious what other Crohn’s patients think!

Settling In

My Crohn’s diagnosis is fairly new, just a couple of months so far even though I’ve had symptoms for over a year. Some of the symptoms have gotten worse, some have gotten better, some are new. So I’m still learning how the disease is going to manifest for me. I don’t know yet if I’ll be one of those people who goes into remission or one whose condition doesn’t respond to medication. I don’t know if my symptoms will get worse or go away or come and go. I don’t know yet if the adjustments I’m making now to my diet and lifestyle are temporary or lifelong. I don’t know what my patterns are yet. But I’m learning! Everyday I feel like I learn more about what my body needs and what it doesn’t need, I learn more about what feels good and how to maximize those feelings. I’m learning how to really, deeply care for my body in a way that just never occurred to me before. I’m becoming gentler and more forgiving of myself. Mainly because even though the disease is unpredictable and destructive, I kind of understand now that my body’s natural inclination is toward wellness. Even the destructive inflammation is my body’s (overzealous) attempt to be well. And knowing that helps me be a little calmer about the whole thing.

I didn’t know anything about my body’s drive toward healing until last year when I was run over by a motorcycle, suffered multiple fractures and got to watch them heal. In fact I resented all kinds of thing about my body, always wanted to change my weight or my height or the thickness of my legs, and even while I watched my bones heal, I still thought that the process was something I could and had to control. In my mind I couldn’t figure out how to make the bones fuse, make the swelling to down. I couldn’t even conceive of what a normal body would feel like again or how I could make it happen but I tried! I actively and enthusiastically iced and elevated and flexed and did everything I could to help the process along. And in the end I realized that while that stuff may have helped, my body had it under control the whole time. It knew which cells to send where, what to add and take away, and in its own time it righted itself. Knowing that gives me tremendous faith that it’ll work this out too, as long as I do my part and be gentle and keep faith.

One of the things that’s helping me adjust and settle in is meditation. I practice mindfulness daily, really just by quieting down and experiencing the present moment. Meditation has made a tremendous difference for me already!  I’m learning to spend more time in the spaces between the pain, and that makes the spaces feel bigger and the pain smaller. I’m actually less scared of the future now than I was before I got sick in the first place. And I try to approach my symptoms with a sense of curiosity rather than dread. This is all helping it feel less cataclysmic, and more manageable.